the duff joke thread
category: residue [glöplog]
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."
An old lady walks into a bank with a dufflebag full of money and wants to deposit it.
Seeing that its an unusual large amount of cash she is being led to the bank manager to take care of the business.
The bank manager says, "since its such a huge amount money we have to make sure nothing criminal is behind the it, so i have to ask, how did you raise this amount of money"
"Oh"...the old lady says, "i make bets"
"Bets?"
"yes, bets with high stakes"
she continues...
"for example, i bet you 10000 that your testicles are square"
"that sounds very strange but i take you up on that offer"
They both agreed and the old lady said she'd bring her lawyer next day as an witness of the outcome of the bet.
Even if he was sure of the outcome the bankmanager was worried, and had to check in the mirror that his balls was indeed oval.
Sure enough it was.
The next day the old lady shows up at his office with his lawyers.
The manager zips down and shows her his testicles.
"I have to feel the balls to be absolutely sure of the results"
With 10000 easy cash he agreed.
The old lady studyes and felt his balls meticusly...
"yep, i conceed the bet, your balls are not square"
Suddenly the lawyers bounces his head against the wall in frustration...
"whats wrong with him" the manager ask..
"oh nothing"
"Its just that me and him made bet of 100 000, that i would be fondling the bank managers balls within the week."
Seeing that its an unusual large amount of cash she is being led to the bank manager to take care of the business.
The bank manager says, "since its such a huge amount money we have to make sure nothing criminal is behind the it, so i have to ask, how did you raise this amount of money"
"Oh"...the old lady says, "i make bets"
"Bets?"
"yes, bets with high stakes"
she continues...
"for example, i bet you 10000 that your testicles are square"
"that sounds very strange but i take you up on that offer"
They both agreed and the old lady said she'd bring her lawyer next day as an witness of the outcome of the bet.
Even if he was sure of the outcome the bankmanager was worried, and had to check in the mirror that his balls was indeed oval.
Sure enough it was.
The next day the old lady shows up at his office with his lawyers.
The manager zips down and shows her his testicles.
"I have to feel the balls to be absolutely sure of the results"
With 10000 easy cash he agreed.
The old lady studyes and felt his balls meticusly...
"yep, i conceed the bet, your balls are not square"
Suddenly the lawyers bounces his head against the wall in frustration...
"whats wrong with him" the manager ask..
"oh nothing"
"Its just that me and him made bet of 100 000, that i would be fondling the bank managers balls within the week."
A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, “What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?”
He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. “Miss Callahan!” The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: “Professor, I’d rather not answer that question.
“The professor says, “That’s all right, Miss Callahan, you don’t need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?” He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. “Mr. Hawkins!”
Hawkins says, “Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement.”
The professor says, “That is correct, Mr. Hawkins.” Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, “Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven’t studied this week’s assignment; and Two, I’m afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.
He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. “Miss Callahan!” The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: “Professor, I’d rather not answer that question.
“The professor says, “That’s all right, Miss Callahan, you don’t need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?” He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. “Mr. Hawkins!”
Hawkins says, “Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement.”
The professor says, “That is correct, Mr. Hawkins.” Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, “Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven’t studied this week’s assignment; and Two, I’m afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you.
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.
‘What’s that?’ I asked.It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.
I said, ‘No,’ – excitedly.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’.
I went back to her place.She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mum, you still awake?’
In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a cuddle and then she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double.
‘What’s that?’ I asked.It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.
I said, ‘No,’ – excitedly.We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was ‘my lucky night’.
I went back to her place.She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mum, you still awake?’
A man walks into a pub. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.
They're going to switch to driving on the right side on Irish roads. First trucks, and if everything goes well for a year, cars too.
Did you hear the one about the queer shepherd?
He kept mountain goats.
He kept mountain goats.
A cabbie picks up a nun
She gets into the cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes!, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
She gets into the cab and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you”.
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have,you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes!, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.” The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
What do you get when you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head!
A pat on the head!
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing head come across was, er, female juices.
But you're balder than I am, protested the customer.
True, admitted the barber, but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing head come across was, er, female juices.
But you're balder than I am, protested the customer.
True, admitted the barber, but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!
Two Irishmen left a pub....
What's the difference between a woman and a god?
God is limitlessly merciful
Woman is unmercifully limited
Two psychiatrists meet each other on the street.
One of them says: Hi, how am I doing?
What's the difference between a woman and a god?
God is limitlessly merciful
Woman is unmercifully limited
Two psychiatrists meet each other on the street.
One of them says: Hi, how am I doing?
A penguin is driving his car across the country for his summer vacation. Suddenly, his car starts to make horrible noises. The penguin drives his ailing car into a roadside mechanic’s shop.
The mechanic tells the penguin that it will be about an hour until he can diagnose the problem. The penguin decides to kill the time by wandering over to a nearby mall.
He casually waddles through the mall, doing some window shopping. Then, he buys himself a vanilla ice cream cone to eat, since it’s such a hot day.
The Penguin starts to walk back to the shop, and while he eats his ice cream it drips all over his face and front.
As he enters the shop, the mechanic looks up from under the car’s hood and says to the Penguin, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
Embarrassed, the Penguin quickly says, “No, I swear it’s just ice cream!”
The mechanic tells the penguin that it will be about an hour until he can diagnose the problem. The penguin decides to kill the time by wandering over to a nearby mall.
He casually waddles through the mall, doing some window shopping. Then, he buys himself a vanilla ice cream cone to eat, since it’s such a hot day.
The Penguin starts to walk back to the shop, and while he eats his ice cream it drips all over his face and front.
As he enters the shop, the mechanic looks up from under the car’s hood and says to the Penguin, “It looks like you blew a seal.”
Embarrassed, the Penguin quickly says, “No, I swear it’s just ice cream!”
Love thy neighbor all through the day... but first make sure her husband's away!
- A man walks into a fish'n'chips shop, says I'll have fish'n'chips twice. And the bloke behind the counter says...
- "I heard you the first time"
- "I heard you the first time"
A man and a woman are seated beside one another at a bar getting rather tipsy. With both visibly depressed, the man asks the woman why she's so down to which she replies, My husband left me because he said I was too kinky in bed.
What a coincidence! he said, My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.
So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.
Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headeding towards the door.
What's going on? she asks. I thought you wanted to get kinky?
The man turns to her and says, Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done.
What a coincidence! he said, My wife just left me. She said I was too kinky in bed, too.
So they start talking and find that they have much in common, so they decide to go to the woman's apartment and have kinky sex. When they arrive at her apartment, she tells him she needs a few minutes so she can slip into something more comfortable.
Moments later, she emerges from the bathroom with a tight black leather outfit, complete with whip, handcuffs, a strap-on, and a 12-inch studded dildo. She then hurries into the kitchen, and returns with Tabasco sauce, whipped cream, and a rolling pin. Just as she completes her preparation, she notices that the man is putting on his coat and is headeding towards the door.
What's going on? she asks. I thought you wanted to get kinky?
The man turns to her and says, Lady, I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm all done.
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a Cessna crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
2 nuns are driving down the road one night when a vampire jumps out in front of them. One nun turns to the other and says - "Quick, jump out and show him your cross!"
The other nun jumps out and shouts angrily at the vampire - "Get out of the way you stupid bloody idiot!"
The other nun jumps out and shouts angrily at the vampire - "Get out of the way you stupid bloody idiot!"