ASCII Art Intro by Reservoir Gods [web]
CWMVENTION 97
R E S E R V O I R G O D S
ASCII ART INTRO
Hullo and welcome to the Reservoir Gods 'Ascii Art Intro'. Nice.
Join us as the gods go on a freestyle jazz-text odyssey, throwing the
conventional rules of text placement quite literally out of the window.
Its textual art of the highest calibre. And boy, does it feel good.
Who would have thought that 256 different 8x8 groups of pixels could contain so
much funk? They can be sculpted into breathtaking arrangements of visually
explosive art. And there is also Mr Pink's effort.
But is it art?
Or is it just ascii?
We asked an expert. Professor Hilbert Anuspalace has written a thesis on this
very topic, and he is currently struggling to get anyone to take him seriously.
"The problem is theez stuck up academics with their arses so far up their arse
that they come out of the bottom! They do no see the value in my work! It is a
post-modernist piece of textual terrorism, not containing language, per se, but
conveying much more in the striking patterns of characters that arrived on the
page as I jumped on my typewriter."
We turned our attention to self style Ascii watchdog, David Mellor.
"Has anyone seen my cheese? I stashed it in left cheek, just behind the molars
and its been bloody stolen! Its an absolute disgrace! I'm thinking of going for
the diarylea triangles. If you make a regular serious of marks around their
curved edge you can use them as small protractors for angles of up to 45
degrees!"
A final word comes from Davey Jones, Taxi no 302, Liverpool.
"ASCII artists? String 'em up! Its the only language they understand! They're
already bloody pinko puffs! No wonder the french farmers have gone mad! I had
that Mrs Thatcher in the back of my cab once. Bloody nice bloke."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The History Of ASCII - With Robert Miles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hi Kids! Robert Miles here! Today we are looking at the strange and
controversial history of ASCII.
When computers were first invented, they didn't have any characters as
everything was just stored in binary. Keyboards were very simple affairs,
consisting of only two keys - a 0 and a 1. So even two fingered typists could
say they were touch typists. Incidentally I only use two fingers to play the
piano - well my thumbs actually. Pianos are very much like binary - there are
two types of keys, black ones and white ones and they make different sounds! I
haven't tried using the white keys yet, as they are only for the more
adventurous (or mad!!!) people.
ASCII was invented in 1954 by Chesney Hawkes. Like all the best ideas, Chesney
stumbled on the discovery by accident. He was working late in his toilet
developing a new form of Raspberry & Blackcurrant yoghurt that could survive an
atomic explosion when he became mesmerised by the swirling patterns of seeds. He
reasoned that you can allocate a different letter to a raspberry just by
counting the number of seeds it contained. He christened this the Atomic Seed
Counting Implied Index or ASCII.
This theory was later revised by the frenzied work of two obsessive Austrian
scientists Kruder & Dorfmeister. Their jealousy of each others efforts propelled
them to ludicrous extremes. Dorfmeister actually developed the first reverse
interpolated ASCII standard for the rare cabbage based ancient Persian language
of 'Kremata'. Kruder countered this by developing a form of ASCII that coped
particularly well at high altitudes and low temperatures. It is believed that
William Haigh used this strain of ASCII during his stag night celebrations on
Ben Nevis.
Not one to be outdone, Dorfmeister created Quantum ASCII in which every
character could theoretically represent millions of other characters
simultaneously. But Kruder had an ace up his sleeve; sub-atomic ASCII which only
needed one electron to represent each character.
Infuriated, Dorfmeister locked himself away in Austrian Onion Dungeon for eight
years developing one of the most controversial strains of ASCII known to modern
day science. Viral ASCII could actually replicate itself, spreading its
character representation to other systems and displacing their format for
storing text. Cautiously, Dorfmeister experimented with his viral ASCII on a
local hair saloon. Pleased by the results, he was ready to declare himself king
of ASCII when disaster struck. The viral ASCII had got out into the wild with
devastating results. It was spreading and reproducing faster than Earl Spencer.
And worse, it was mutating, and becoming unrecognisable from the original form.
The result was pandemonium.
From early annoyances like shop signs becoming muddled up ( a famous early case
was that of an 'Andreas Purlitz General Stores' store sign mutating into 'Anus
Gurgle Porn Garden'. The viral ASCII was not only vicious, but it had a bawdy
sense of humour. Soon street signs were becoming jumbled, newspapers became
illegible. Libraries were no more that vast stores of fluctuating characters,
often forming viciously filthy texts to frighten the bashful librarians.
A UN taskforce was set up to liberate Vienna from the clutches of the ASCII. It
was led by the heroic Gyles Brandreth of the 'Speak English Clearly Campaign',
but he was fighting a losing battle as this was Austria. But, by an incredible
coincidence he found the viral ASCII completely outwitted by his collection of
diamond patterned cardigans. Any contact with the dreaded woollen garment and
the ASCII would perish. The quick thinking dimwit sent a fleet of Hercules
planes to blanket bomb the city with cardigans. The plague was cleared! And the
world was saved! Proud of his achievement, Gyles Brandreth stood for Mayor of
Vienna but lost horribly as everyone still hated him. Humiliatingly enough he
got less votes then Patric Loopdaloophatstandburpgurdle of the "Progressive
Tapestry Anti-Parsnip Alcoholic Towel Alliance". Gyles crawled back to Chester
to spend his life in tortuous exile (guest appearances on Countdown).
By these standards, modern day ASCII seems relatively tame. It maybe dull, but
it does its job - its standard, monotonous and highly formulated. Rather like my
songs!! Only joking! (Don't worry, you're sacked anyway. DeConstruction Boss).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fun With ASCII Art - by TV's Jeremy Paxman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey kids! ascii can be F U N!
See how I spaced out the characters of fun! That is the 'art' bit.
And its loads of fun!
LISTEN TO ME HAIGH YOU IDIOT!
Only having a laugh! But see how you can SHOUT with ascii?
M E O U A N
R R D O D O A E U T
. W Y R C !
See how the ascii flows like waves breaking over a shore?
Like the WAVES of PUBLIC RESENTMENT crashing over the FAILED tory party.
Eh, Dr. Mahwinney?
You call yourself a doctor, but what exactly are you a doctor of?
Let me rephrase that, you SHOULD call a doctor yourself, your party is in such
bad health, eh?
Sorry, just practising for the next edition of
### ### # # ###
# # # # # # /| / | / | | |
# # ## # # ### / |/ | \/ | | |
# # # # # # #
# # ### ##### ###
See, more ascii art fun?
Notice the bold, sombre characters to create the 'NEWS' part of the logo.
They are big. They are brash. They say "BONG! THIS IS IMPORTANT SO LISTEN UP GIT
FACE OR I'LL RIP YOU TO PIECES WITH MY LONG DRAWLED OUT YEEESSSSSS"
But see night! It is delicate, elegant! A pretty young lady, dressed in the
finest silk, looking beautiful. Unlike my co-presenters. Who are probably
lesbians.
So is ascii fun?
* *
* *
** ****
** *
** ** eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!
** *
** ****
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who Is Responsible For This Nonsense
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ASCII art intro is a sort of collected works.
A compilation album.
"The Best ASCII Art Intro In The World Ever" you could say.
by Various Artists.
well, mainly by Reservoir Gods members.
and Arnel.
who isn't a Reservoir Gods member.
and got disqualified from the 'Best Desktop' competition by voting for himself.
that's like voting for yourself in the 'Most Modest' competition.
bit of a catch 22 situation...
"Nobody Who Hasn't Seen This Intro Before Doesn't Hate It"
Which is obviously true.
But when the statement is true, it implies it must be false.
PARADOX alert!
PARADOX is a good name for a tampon.
"PARADOX - work brilliantly when you are not having your period"
In our tests, we poured no blue liquid on our PARADOX tampons and
absolutely nothing leaked out! They were completely dry! So as long
as you don't get them wet or sticky, they are the driest tampons about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The ASCII Gurus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Tim 'Desperate' Dann
Tim is well versed in the ancient Chinese art of anal sumo.
He can flatten opponents of up to 18 stones with a well timed flick of his bum
cheeks.
* Charles 'BushWhacker' Waddington
Charles is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of Timidhido.
This involves hiding silently in bushes for weeks on end, breathing backwards
and surviving on small leaves and grass. The aim is to annoy worms by completely
ignoring them, refusing to speak to them and not even acknowledging their
presence. More experience exponents of the art get to tickle snails with pieces
of straw.
* Arnel 'Barnel' Darnel
Arnel is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of Barn construction.
Every night he secretly slips out of his luxurious Gloucester based mansion to
create another mighty erection. Barns have been mysteriously springing up all
over the west country and have been spotted as far north as the Peak District.
Asked who he was building the barns for, Arnel cryptically cried "Mice" and
galloped away cackling manically. Strange bloke.
* MS 'Messy' G
MSG is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of Noodolus Cookus.
Unfortunately we know nothing about this mysterious black science as all its
member are sworn to secrecy, on threat of being played the new Robert Miles
single.
MSG wrote the crazee music whilst drugged out of his head on pringles.
MSG created 3 pieces of ASCII for this intro which is a world record.
* Sparehead 'Squeegee' 3
sh3 is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of windscreen washing.
This involves him leaping out from behind Belisha Beacons clutching his bucket
and mop and wiping car windows, whilst merrily whistling the bassline from
Natural Born Chillers' "Rock The Funky Beat". Finishing his job, he goes over to
the driver. "10 bob mate." he says cheerfully, before his tone gets deeper and
more menacing "Or I blow the whole joint up." With this he shakes his mop
dangerously above his head. 'It is a terrifying sight' said Kate Aidie.
* Mr 'Wink' Pink
Mr Pink is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of Winkus Wankus.
This means he can wink with both eyes simultaneously!
The other practice of this art is more difficult to explain.
Mr Pink did all the coding for the intro, so that explains why it is so bad.
* Rip 'Lip' ley
Ripley is an expert in the ancient Chinese art of Lippus Extendicus.
She has spent years exercising the muscles in her lower lip and can know shape
it into any form, from a hexagon to the circuit diagram of a 68000.
She can also extend her lip distances of up to 2 miles from her face!
She is yet to find a use for this ability.
* 'The' Tat 'In The Hat'
Tat was created by American educational author Dr. Seuss.
He lives in the fictional town of SmithyBridge where all the houses are numbered
alphabetically and all the streets rhyme with other.
His code is based on repetition ( using dbra loops, which haven't quite made
their way into childrens text yet ).
He does own a hat that bears the legend 'Burnley FC'.
By night he plots the downfall of Chris Waddle using an intricate set of
trigonomic equations, reams of graph paper and convoluted diagrams with lots of
arrows pointing in seemingly random directions.
He predicts that Burnley could be top of the league "If only they didn't use an
8-bit data bus". And we all thought they got on the no. 79.
Tat coded the fantastic abc tracker. (* NB was 'dsp tracker', but had to be
renamed by Dr. Seuss who claimed the letters 'dsp' were alphabetically
ambiguous)
* You
Yes you!
You are expert in the ancient Chinese art of Readus Readmeus Docus.
( All this Chinese stuff sounds Latin to me. Language Ed )
You own an Atari Falcon 030 with 4 Megabytes of memory and colour display.
Alternatively, you don't have an Atari but you enjoy downloading atari software
just so that you can read the read_me.doc files and you are therefore totally
and utterly bonkers. (Hi Phoenix!)
* Not You
You are the person who didn't download this intro because you thought it sounded
shit and are not reading this read_me file.
Well you're not missing much...
...only the best ASCII art intro ever to descend onto your beloved atari!
And you couldn't even be arsed to download it.
Typical.
Doesn't really take much effort does it?
Unless you are using a nasty PC and Nitscape/Expoorer crashes all the time.
In which case, why don't you create your own piece of ascii art and send it to
us?
Then we can laugh at you.
................................................................................
....COMING SOON....COMING SOON....COMING SOON....COMING SOON...COMING SOON......
................................................................................
STATIC
DECIBEL
MAGGIE 25
RESERVOIR GODS CD
REPUBLIC
GODSCAPE
GODLYNES
And lots of other crazy stuff that we haven't even thought of yet!
All EXCLUSIVE to the Atari Falcon 030
r.g.
" Flying High in 97 "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I WANT YOUR ADDRESS
-----------------------------------------------------------cut here-------------
mrpink_rg@hotmail.com
sh3_rg@hotmail.com
msg_rg@hotmail.com
ripley_rg@hotmail.com
http://www.acs.bolton.ac.uk/~msg1css/maison.htm
Leon O'Reilly.Cwm Isaf.Abermule.Montgomery.Welshpool.Powys.SY15 6JL
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